That time I got dragged...
Updated: Feb 6, 2019
WHEW CHILAAY! 2018 really dragged me through the street, snatched off my wig and then called my mamma to come and pick me up!
People who know me well would describe me as a hilarious, boisterous, spunky, encouraging being, with a personality as big as my hair! While all of those things may be true, I'd simply describe myself as a vessel. While I do my absolute best to remain positive and graceful through whatever life deals me, in 2018 I said,
and here's why...
Last year taught me many things about who TF I really am. Not that I was unsure per say, but it confirmed and brought me much clarity! Much of what I learned was exhilarating, the rest I had to take with a shot of jack! The process of self discovery isn't always a sunny day at the beach.
One major thing that was confirmed about myself is that by nature I am a healer, or that I have what many would describe as a healing spirit. B*tch NO I'm not claiming to be Jesus or anything lol, but I always find myself in situations where I feel that I can save or provide healing to folks. Now I know many of my empaths understand what I mean by that statement and the other majority of y'all are like, "OH MY GAWT, SHES A WITCH DOCTA!!" SO LET ME EXPLAIN....!
As an empath (as well as an in depth observer), I can overwhelmingly feel the emotional needs or the emotional state of others. I have this undying desire to save the world. I want to lift life on my back, cater to & rescue every soul and allow them to experience love at the utmost level by way of me. Whether I'm pouring love and support into them spiritually, financially or mentally I always find myself in situations where I'm giving, and giving..... AND GIVING! That's where I found myself in trouble. Living in a generation where humans have become very selfish and reciprocation is a thing of the past, I found myself completely fed up with humans! 1.) I was forcing healing on individuals who were emotionally incapable to heal 2.) I found myself agitated because well, WHO THE FAWK WAS POURING INTO BREE!?
On numerous occasions I had filled many cups, overfilled them even, but here I was with a dry empty cup. Everyone was healed, but I was left so broken. Its almost as if I was in the middle of the street bleeding out and no one was willing to help address my wounds.
I fell so deep into depression in 2018, I couldn't even recognize who I was anymore. "You?", yes me! My great grandmother died valentines day of last year and that literally felt like someone had shot me in the middle of my heart. All who knows me understands what my Minnie J. meant to me. Her death alone, along with things falling apart in my personal life AND having been employed at a job for 7 years that I absolutely HATED, was enough to set my entire world on fire!
Y'all know I'm the strong friend, so I hid that shit so good child, the CIA should've hired me! I plastered the smile, told the jokes, did what I needed to get through it socially, but when I got home...BAY BAY! *mama Dee voice* There came a point where I felt myself retracting from all things human related because all of these emotions were boiling deep inside of me. I could literally feel my spirit shutting down! I had allowed myself to become filled with so much toxicity (I know we were supposed to leave the word toxic in 2018 however, I SAID WHAT I SAID!). I had become so negative, I complained about everything, and I saw absolutely no good in anything. It was one of the most disheartening situations I've ever had to pull myself out of. To step back, look at myself and see someone who is usually so bubbly, encouraging ,fun, happy and motivated, mute my entire life like that was perplexing to me! I've had sad moments in my life before, yes we all have, but to physically not want to pull myself out of the bed in the morning was unfamiliar and scary for me. What made that season even more conflicting was that my friends, people who claimed they knew me so well, didn't even notice that I wasn't myself! They were healing through me daily ,looking at me on a daily basis and didn't even see me.... in my suffering.
I THANK GOD for being the ultimate healer of this healing soul,even when I was unable to do so for myself! Y'all, the Lord came out in the middle of the street, saw that I was ran over and breathed life back into me! He catered to my spirit and he addressed my wounds when no one else was willing to expose themselves to my bleeding body and I'm forever grateful! Unlike us earthly healers, he gives, and gives, AND GIVES endlessly. He never gets overwhelmed or tired of healing us when we're in need! I had to completely and wholeheartedly surrender to God, so that when I made it out of that test to this very moment, I could acknowledge that I am human and just because I am strong, does not make me exempt from healing!
If you take nothing from this testimony of mine, do take this away, never pour from an empty cup. PUT YOU FIRST! I know that's easier said than done for many of us, but you cannot offer to others what you need for yourself. Don't feel selfish for being self-ful! Do yourself a favor and check out the video I've posted below.
Be Blessed & Be a Blessing,