A WEH D BOMBOCLAAT DIS!??
Hey beautiful souls!
I KNOOOOW, I know. Yes, it's been a minute! How are you all feeling?? I pray you feel loved, at peace, provided for, calm within your spirit and worthy because it is so! If you aren’t, I pray that you release trauma, heal, trust God and vibrate to your highest potential!
I didn't plan on blogging this month due to many different reasons. I feel like when I spend time with you all. I usually have some funny or motivating story to tell but this space is also for myself as well as each of you, to unpack/unload during the in-between. May is mental health awareness month so I figured there was no better time for me to come and release some things with you. Do you all have the mental and emotional availability to allow me to unload for a bit?
For the last few months I have been in a heavy space. I have felt very unmotivated, exhausted and just overall mentally and emotionally triggered. I feel like mentally I just turned my switch to the “off “ position and left it there. Physically I’ve been exhausting myself, all I do is WORK because well...adulthood. Emotionally I’ve been all over the place, a week ago I cried while watching B.A.P.S
yes child.... Black American Princesses and I cried like a newborn baby being slapped on the ass! 😒
For these reasons, I haven’t blogged nor have I done much of anything that I would normally enjoy. Despite saying to myself “today I’m going to blog!”, while truly wanting/attempting to and regardless of how happy blogging and sharing this space with you all makes me feel, it just hasn't been enough.
For some odd reason I’ve been thinking SO MUCH about my childhood and how the reality of my experiences has shaped me into the woman that I am. I’ve been on a journey of healing and becoming the absolute best version of Briana that I can be. This journey has forced me to recognize some of my trash tendencies, learned behaviors and defense mechanisms, while allowing me the opportunity to turn them into better qualities or eliminate them completely all together. I think a lot of the trauma I’ve experienced up until this point in life and the fact that I haven’t completely healed from much of it, is what’s triggering me.
I truly believe much of our experiences as children play a strong hand in who we become as adults, whether positively or negatively. I can vividly remember as a child being shown and exposed to plenty of love but also, enduring a lot of physical, mental and emotional abuse. Fast forward to present day, as an adult I’m trying to break some habits/learned behaviors but while I’m trying to eliminate them, I’m understanding where they originated. As I do this, the raw emotions that I felt during those actual experiences are resurfacing and it’s as though I am reliving those moments all over again!
I've been feeling angry, sad and perplexed as to why I had to endure much of that bullshit, especially as a child. Children should be loved on, reassured, encouraged, poured into, made to feel protected.... despite those negative feelings, it makes me proud that I came out of that darkness radiating HELLA LIGHT!
In attempts to clear my mind, heart and spirit of those negative thoughts and energy I decided to fast. I thought, “If I think better, I feel better! If I feel better, I’ll be better!”
As I was fasting, I decided to take it a bit further and I decide to give up meat for lent!!!!!!!!!!!!!
****NIGAAAH we gotta Talk. About. That. Later!!****
Ps. shout out to all my coworkers that kept me encouraged and motivated during lent, but especially to the lunch crew. Theo, Kaily, Tyrell, Kasha and Emmanuel who decided to eat juicy fried chicken in front of me frequently but kept me on my shit despite the few times I slipped up!
While the fasting experience honestly wasn’t that bad, it didn’t give me the clarity that I was seeking. So, I began working out again because y’all know exercise cures EEEEVERTHANG.... 😐😶. Lol
Exercise gave me more energy but, it still didn’t give me the mental clarity I needed. I would sit down at my computer and I would get complete writers block. Y’all I currently have 10, TEN drafts that I couldn’t complete! I had plenty of thoughts and ideas that I wanted to write about, but I couldn’t articulate exactly what and how I wanted to say it because my mind was in a fog. Then add to that, working 6/7 days a week and 4/6 of those days working a double! Some days I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
I’m realizing that you can’t rush your way through healing. You can’t distract yourself through it, you can’t check out and then check back in closer to the finish line, you just CUH NOT! In most cases you must sit in it, let it hurt and take your time with letting that thang heal! Sometimes you even have to repeat the process more than once for the healing to actually occur and set in!
You ever fall and scrape your knee really bad? It doesn’t heal over night, right? You have to clean it, cover it with the proper dressing that fits (because you can’t stick a butterfly bandaid on a 2 inch knee gash) and give it time to heal! All the while you’ve addressed the issue, but it still hurts right? Sometimes that gash may even began to bleed again and now you have to repeat the entire process, to ensure the wound remains clean and clear of any other infections. The pain feels fresh, that gash may even give you a small limp, but you push through because you know it’ll eventually heal!
Life wounds are exactly the same! When you’re seeking healing you get dirty, life's scars may look ugly, you fall on your face crying due to the pain and you may say to yourself “no one else could possibly understand how bad this damn wound hurts!” but you heal at some point. You may be left with a scar that reminds you, “yeah that happened, but I healed from it!“
I’m nowhere near perfect, but I have some scabs. Some wound marks I can show you, that prove I know the power of healing! Physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m here as a living testament that healing can be and ABSOLUTELY WILL BE your portion! The devil tries to manipulate our minds into thinking we’re not worthy or capable of renewed life. He tries to make us believe that we have to stay in this place of brokenness, confusion, pain and sadness, but ISSA LIE!
1.) Stay away from people, places and things that will purposely trigger you or deter you from seeking and achieving the healing you deserve!
2.) Utilize your village!! Surround yourself with people and things that will help you heal. Link up with those that provide love to your spirit and who speak life/positive air over your soul. Whatever or whoever feels like love and pours into your confidence, self-reassurance, wisdom, etc. surround yourself with that energy!
3.) Seek guidance from people with scars. They’re the best teachers and can give you solid, authentic, experienced advice on how to overcome!
I thank you for the opportunity to unpack with me and I’m grateful to allow such a space for us all to unload whenever life packs on the baggage. Baggage that others may never see the weight of, as we carry it day to day. I hope this has given you encouragement to keep pushing and to release/heal from whatever life trauma has held you bound. I pray this motivates someone who may be in the same space as I am, to set up that counseling session, get therapy or do whatever you've been putting off, that will help you receive the liberation your spirit deserves!
As always, Be Blessed & Be a Blessing!